The 4 Ss of attachment


As parents many of you may be familiar with attachment theory and the work of Dan Siegel.

In his work he talks about the 4Ss of secure attachment and states that for our children to be flexible, insightful vital & resilient they need to be;

Seen — this refers not just to seeing with the eyes. It means perceiving deeply and empathically. It relates to looking to the inner experience of the child.

Soothed — helping children deal with difficult emotions and situations.

The final S is safe - For secure attachment, a child needs to feel protected, and safe within the relationship from actions and responses that frighten or hurt them.

The 3 S's then, of being seen, soothed and safe, help us raise children with the fourth S, secure attachment, which helps them develop an internalised sense of wellbeing.

So, what does this tell us about our own well -being as parents.

Because surely in order to be able to provide this it’s vital that we know this and have access to this for ourselves.

So today for YOUR well-being as fabulous parents I’d like to invite you into this enquiry:

Seen – who in your life really see’s you? Deeply & Honestly sees you.

Reach out to them and be in conversation about what the experience of you is like.

And ask yourself – are you honestly & deeply seeing yourself right now?

If the answer is no then be curious about what support, you might need right now to help you with this.

Soothed – what soothes you? As humans we all need to be soothed so consider what delicious things sooth you and bring these things into your life on a daily basis!

Safe – what things support you in feeling safe? Reflect on how safe you feel right now in your body, heart & mind. Get curious again about what might increase this feeling of safety in your body, heart & mind.

These things will support YOU as a parent & a human being in your own internalised sense of well-being.

So, here’s to us all being seen, soothed, safe & secure.




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